Needing to write. Needing to quiet my spinning thoughts. Abby's sleeping in the swinging chair. Making the odd whimper. Feeling Guilt. Guilt for letting her nap in a swinging chair. Guilt for not teaching her somehow to sleep in a bed by herself by now. Guilt for not holding her while she sleeps. Ugh. Get rid of the guilt. Let go. She's ok. I hope. Fear. Nice Julie. Breathe.
I'm learning that I can do this. Being a mom. I love it. I love changing her diaper and the way she smiles and plays while I do it. I love her smiles and the sounds she makes when she's happy. I even love how she sucks on my baby finger and refuses to be comforted by a pacifier or anything else. I love the feel of her skin against mine and the smell of her head. I love how she totally squishes me up against the wall in bed while we're sleeping. I love how she nurses all night while we sleep. I love love love her. I love how strong she is and how she stands up on my belly. I love reading Sandra Boynton books to her and how she looks at each page like she already understands how to read. I love how when she's really tired I can just put my pinky in her mouth and she is sleeping before her second suck. I love her dark eyes and the way she looks at me when she wakes up.
I don't like the guilt and the fear that I'm not doing it "right" - I get scared that she doesn't eat enough during the day, that she doesn't sleep properly, that I don't hold her enough, that I hold her too much, that we're going to make her have a.d.d. or another illness by letting her watch TV.
I don't like how mad and frustrated I get that I don't have 'time for me' any more. I hate how I'm jealous of Tim's time. But I am the 'mom' - her primary caregiver. I want to be. I have to remind myself that I want to be sometimes. Then I breathe and relax. But I also want to have more time for me and I'm fighting it. The demands put on me by Abby and Tim. What a drastic change going from having 24 hours a day to myself to having... maybe 2? It won't always be like this. "This too shall pass." and all the good that goes with it. But there will be new good... and new things that I'll complain about I'm sure!
Ahhh... I feel better. At least I'm breathing again - and I sat in one spot for more than 5 minutes without being distracted by Abby... which kinda feels like a triumph but also like I'm missing an arm or something. Maybe she's learning how to sleep on her own now.... even if it is in a swing, it's the longest she's ever napped by herself. She is 4 months and 2 days today. Wow.
I'm learning that I can do this. Being a mom. I love it. I love changing her diaper and the way she smiles and plays while I do it. I love her smiles and the sounds she makes when she's happy. I even love how she sucks on my baby finger and refuses to be comforted by a pacifier or anything else. I love the feel of her skin against mine and the smell of her head. I love how she totally squishes me up against the wall in bed while we're sleeping. I love how she nurses all night while we sleep. I love love love her. I love how strong she is and how she stands up on my belly. I love reading Sandra Boynton books to her and how she looks at each page like she already understands how to read. I love how when she's really tired I can just put my pinky in her mouth and she is sleeping before her second suck. I love her dark eyes and the way she looks at me when she wakes up.
I don't like the guilt and the fear that I'm not doing it "right" - I get scared that she doesn't eat enough during the day, that she doesn't sleep properly, that I don't hold her enough, that I hold her too much, that we're going to make her have a.d.d. or another illness by letting her watch TV.
I don't like how mad and frustrated I get that I don't have 'time for me' any more. I hate how I'm jealous of Tim's time. But I am the 'mom' - her primary caregiver. I want to be. I have to remind myself that I want to be sometimes. Then I breathe and relax. But I also want to have more time for me and I'm fighting it. The demands put on me by Abby and Tim. What a drastic change going from having 24 hours a day to myself to having... maybe 2? It won't always be like this. "This too shall pass." and all the good that goes with it. But there will be new good... and new things that I'll complain about I'm sure!
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